A 17-year-old boy longed for the cycling competition. He had trained hard in his cycling club. The day came when he was to take part in the first real race. His parents went with him to the starting line, giving him the last-minute advice. Suddenly, the starting signal was given. His mother shouted, "Boy, be careful! Don't go to too fast!"
最后的忠告
一个17岁的男孩子一直盼望着参加自行车比赛，为此他一直在自行车俱乐部刻苦训练。第一次参加比赛的日子终于来了。他的父母和他一起来到起点，准备给他最后的忠告。突然，出发信号给了，他的妈妈喊道：“孩子，小心！别骑得太快了！”
The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
医生住在楼下。
“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道，“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”
他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。” 没事偷着乐 职业赌徒 During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.
After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
经济大萧条时期。有一天,有个男人走进一家酒吧,对调酒师说:“调酒师,我想为在座的所有客人每人买一杯酒。”
调酒师说:“当然可以,不过现在正处于经济萧条时期,我需要先看到你带有足够的现金才行。”
那人从口袋里掏出一大迭钞票放到吧台上。调酒师简直不敢相信自己的眼睛,就问:“你这些钱都是从哪儿弄来的?”
“我是一个职业赌徒。”男士回答。
“这不可能。我的意思是,在赌场你赢的机会最多也就五五开,不是吗?” 调酒师说。
“那当然,不过我只打我必赢的赌。”男士说。
“比如呢?”调酒师问道。
“唔,例如,我可以和你赌50美元:我能够用自己的牙咬到自己的右眼睛。”他说。
调酒师想了一下,就说:“那就来吧!”
于是,那个人将他右边的假眼抠了出来,用嘴咬了一下。
调酒师说声“靠!我上当了!” ,就给了他50美元。
那陌生人又说道:“我会再给你一次机会的。我再和你赌50美元:我可以用我的牙咬到我的左眼。”
调酒师想了想说道:“哼!你又不是盲人,我的意思是说,我可是看着你走进这个酒吧的。这一把我和你赌定了!”
话刚出口,那家伙就从嘴里一把将假牙掰了下来,咬了左眼睛一下。
“靠!我又上当了!”调酒师几乎是抗议地叫出声来。
“这就是我赢了这么多钱的办法,小伙子!不过这次你也不用给我50元了,我只拿走一瓶威士忌就算了!”那人说道。
那个人拿了酒,就来到酒吧的后房,整个晚上的大部分时间都在和当地人打牌。
边喝边玩好几个小时之后,那个人又摇摇晃晃地来到吧台前,醉醺醺的样子,都快站不住了,他对调酒师说:“小伙子,我再给你最后一个机会。我和你赌500美元:我可以用一只脚站在这张吧台上撒尿,我能够把尿射到你身后酒架上的那个空瓶子里,而且保证不洒一滴到瓶子外边。”
调酒师再一次认真想了想:这家伙现在就是用两只脚都站不直,更别说用一条腿了……于是说:“好!那你就开始吧。”
只见那人爬到吧台上,来个金鸡独立,就开始撒尿。尿撒得到处都是:吧台上、调酒师身上和他自己身上,就是没有一滴尿到酒瓶里去。
小伙子简直开心死了,大笑着说:“老兄,这次你可欠我500块钱了。”
那家伙从吧台上爬了下来,说:“没问题。我刚和棋牌室里的每个人都赌了一千块钱,说我敢往你身上和吧台上撒尿,并且还能让你大笑!”
-第二则： The father never let children maomao during dinner always talk. Once when having a meal, father saw maomao wanted to speak, then say to him: "kid, what you want to say?""Dad, flies delicious?" Maomao, ask."No!" Father said, "why do you ask such a thing?""You just have a dish, you to swallow it down."毛毛的父亲从不让孩子在吃饭时时说话。一次吃饭时，父亲见到毛毛很想说话的样子，便对他说：“孩子，你想说什么？”“爸爸，苍蝇好吃吗？”毛毛问。“不！”父亲说，“你干嘛问这个？”“刚才您碟子里有一只，您把它咽下去了。” 第三则：英语笑话（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它们是从美国直接带来的
一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”