1 Such a Long Dog 如此长的狗
Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.
从前有个瞎子。一天，他正在行路时踩着了一只正在睡觉的狗的脑袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一阵。这人又往前走，这回踩着的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起来。瞎子以为还是那条狗，惊诧地说：奇怪，这只狗可真够长的。
2 Who's better stisfied? 谁更满足？
A person with six children or a person with $6 million, who is better satisfied? Why?
The person with six children of course. Because the one with $6 million wants more.
一个有六个孩子的人和一个有600万美元的人，谁更满足？为什么？
当然是有六个孩子的那个，因为有600万美元那个还想要得更多。
3 Talking clock 会说话的钟
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den（私室，贼窝） . What is the big brass gong（锣） and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. How's it work?
Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？他的一个朋友问他。那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟，学生回答。这钟怎么工作的，他的朋友问。看着，别眨眼了，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！
4 Henry and Mary had just got married, and everybody was enjoying their wedding party. There was plenty to eat and plenty to drink, and everybody was getting very merry, when a very thin, very young man came into the room. He looked at Mary sadly and accusingly, walked slowly towards her, kissed her lovingly and said, 'Why did you do it?'
Then he walked to the door and disappeared.
Nobody had ever seen the young man before--not even Mary.
5. Some of Nasreddin's old friends were talking about the young people in their town. They all agreed that old people were wiser than young people. Then one of the old men said, 'But young men are stronger than old men.'
All of them agreed that this was true, except Nasreddin. He said, 'No. I am as strong now as when I was a young man.'
'What do you mean?' said his friends. 'How is that possible? Explain yourself!'
'Well,' said Nasreddin, 'in one corner of my field there is a rock. When I was a young man I used to try to move it, but I couldn't because I was not strong enough. I am an old man now, and when I try to move it ,I still cannot.'
6 One day a beautiful young lady went to a famous artist and said, 'I want you to paint a picture of me. How much will it cost?'
'Five hundred pounds,' said the artist.
'Oh?' said the lady. 'That is a lot of money.' Then she thought that, as she had a very beautiful body, the artist might be happy to paint her picture more cheaply if she wore no clothes while he was painting it. So she said, 'And how much will it cost if you paint me without any clothes on?'
The artist thought for a moment. 'One thousand pounds,' he then said. 'But I shall have to keep my socks on, because my feet get cold; and I shall have to wear something to put my brushes in.'
A Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. /when the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREAST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S.SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
7 .AN APPOINTMENT
A man called his doctor's office for an appointment. "I am sorry,"
said the receptioist,"we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."
The Irishman and the Boot-maker
An Irishman once sent for a boot-maker, and gave orders for a pair of boots. When his measure was taken, he told him that, as one of his legs was bigger than the other, the boots must be made accordingly. As soon as they were sent home, he put the big boot on the small leg, and after trying in vain the small boot on the big leg. He fell into a great passion, and wrote to the poor boot-maker the following letter: "Oh! You thief! I ordered you to make one boot bigger than the other, but instead of that, you have made me one smaller than the other!"
8
Ali,who was working a long way from home,wanted to send a letter to his wife ,but he could neither read nor write,and he had to work all day,so he could only look for somebody to write his letter late at night. At last he found the house of a letter-writer whose name was Nasreddin.
Nasreddin was already in bed. 'It is late,' he said. 'What do you want?' 'I want you to write a letter to my wife,' said Ali. Nasreddin was not pleased. He thought for a few seconds and then said, 'Has the letter got to go far?'
'What does that matter?' answered Ali.
'Well, my writing is so strange that only I can read it , and if I have to travel a long way to read your letter to your wife , it will cost you a lot of money.'
Ali went away quickly.
7
.
An old man died and left his son a lot of money.But the son was a foolish young man, and he quickly spent all the money, so that soon he had nothing left. Of course,when that happened,all his friends left him. When he was quite poor and alone, he went to see Nasreddin, who was a kind, clever old man and often helped people when they had troubles.
'My money has finished and my friends have gone,' said the young man. 'What will happen to me now?'
'Don't worry, young man,' answered Nasreddn. 'Everything will soon be all right again. Wait, and you will soon feel much happier.'
The young man was very glad. 'Am I going to get rich again then?' he asked Nasreddin.
'No, I didn't mean that,' said the old man. 'I meant that you would soon get used to being poor and to having no friends.'
8
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family name, so when he saw John's papers, he was surprised.
'How old are you?' he said.
'Eighteen, sir,' said John.
'But your brother was eighteen, too,' said the doctor. 'Are you twins?'
'Oh, no sir,' said John, and his face went red. 'My brother is five months older than I am.'
9
A judge was working in his room one day when a neighbour ran in and said, 'If one man's cow kills another's, is the owner of the first cow responsible?'
'It depends,' answered the judge.
'Well,' said the man, 'your cow has killed mine.'
'Oh,' answered the judge. "Everyone knows that a cow cannot think like a man, so a cow is not responsible, and that means that its owner is not responsible either.'
'I am sorry, Judge,' said the man. 'I made a mistake. I meant that my cow killed yours.'
The judge thought for a few seconds and then said, 'When I think it more carefully, this case is not as easy as I thought at first.' And then he turned to his clerk and said, 'Please bring me that big black book from the shelf behind you.'
10
When Nasreddin was a boy, he never did what he was told, so his father always told him to do the opposite of what he wanted him to do.
One day, when the two were bringing sacks of flour home on their donkeys, they had to cross a shallow river. When they were in the middle of it, one of the sacks on Nasreddin's donkey began to slip, so his father said, 'That sack is nearly in the water! Press down hard on it!'
His father of course expected that he would do the opposite, but this time Nasreddin did what his father had told him to do. He pressed down on the sack and it went under the water. Of course, the flour was lost.
'What have you done, Nasreddin?' his father shouted angrily.
'Well, Father', said Nasreddin, 'this time I thought that I would do just what you told me, to show you how stupid your orders always are.'
11
Nasreddin had lost his donkey. He was going about looking for it everywhere, and while he was looking, he was singing gaily.
One of his neighbours saw him and said, 'Hullo, Nasreddin. What are you doing?'
'I am looking for my donkey,' answered Nasreddin.
'Don't you know where it is?' asked the neighbour.
'No, I don't.'
'Then why are you singing so gaily? Usually when somebody loses something, he is sad.'
'Yes, that is quite true,' answered Nasreddin. 'But you see, I am not yet sure that my donkey is lost. My last hope is that it is behind that hill over there. If you wait a little, you will hear how I will cry and complain if it is not there!'
12
One winter Nasreddin had very little money. His crops had been very bad that year, and he had to live very cheaply. He gave his donkey less food, and when after two days the donkey looked just the same, he said to himself, 'The donkey was used to eating a lot. Now he is quickly getting used to eating less; and soon he will get used to living on almost nothing.'
Each day Nasreddin gave the donkey a little less food, until it was hardly eating anything.
Then one day, when the donkey was going to market with a load of wood on its back, it suddenly died. 'How unlucky I am,' said Nasreddin. 'Just when my donkey had got used to eating hardly anything, it came to the end of its days in this world.'
13、Who Is the Laziest?
Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?
Tom: I don't know, father.
Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?
Tom: Our teacher, father.
中文：
父亲：哎，汤姆，今天我跟你们老师谈过，现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒？
汤姆：我不知道，爸爸。
父亲：啊，不对，你知道！想想看，当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时，谁在课堂上坐着，只是看人家做功课？
汤姆：我们老师，爸爸。
14、Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
译文：
老农约翰逊就要死了。他的家人都站在床边。他声音低沉地对妻子说：“我死后，我想你嫁给农夫琼斯。”
妻子说：“不，在你死后，我不能嫁给任何人。”
约翰逊：“但我希望你这么做。”
妻子：“为什么？”
约翰逊：“因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我。”
15、A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."