An
artist
asked
the
gallery
owner
if
there
had
been
any
interest
in
his
paintings
currently
on
display.
"I've
got
good
news
and
bad
news,"
the
owner
replied.
"The
good
news
is
that
a
gentleman
inquired
about
your
work
and
wondered
if
it
would
appreciate
in
value
after
your
death.
When
I
told
him
it
would,
he
bought
all
fifteen
of
your
paintings."
"That's
wonderful!"
the
artist
exclaimed,
"What's
the
bad
news?".
With
concern,
the
gallery
owner
replied,
"The
guy
was
your
doctor
一名艺术家问画廊老板，最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。“这有好消息和坏消息，”老板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。我告诉他你的画会升值，他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。”
“真是太好了”，艺术家是喜形于色，“那坏消息是什么？”带着关心的口吻，画廊老板回答，“买画的人是你的医生”。
The
New
Teacher
George
comes
from
school
on
the
first
of
September.
"George,
how
did
you
like
your
new
teacher?"
asked
his
mother.
"I
didn't
like
her,
Mother,
because
she
said
that
three
and
three
were
six
and
then
she
said
that
two
and
four
were
six
too....."
新老师
9月1日，
乔治放学回到家里。
"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？"
妈妈问。
"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6,
可后来又说2加4也得6。"
Two
Birds
Teacher:
Here
are
two
birds,
one
is
a
swallow,
the
other
is
sparrow.
Now
who
can
tell
us
which
is
which?
Student:
I
cannot
point
out
but
I
know
the
answer.
Teacher:
Please
tell
us.
Student:
The
swallow
is
beside
the
sparrow
and
the
sparrow
is
beside
the
swallow.
两只鸟
老师：
这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
Excuse
for
Speeding
Excuse
for
Speeding
Harry
and
Lloyd
were
speeding
down
the
road.
A
police
car
pulled
them
over.
〃Why
on
earth
were
you
driving
so
fast？〃
the
policeman
yelled.
〃Our
brakes
are
no
good-so
we
wanted
to
get
there
before
we
had
an
accident！〃
超速的理由
哈里与劳埃德超速行驶，一辆警车拦住了他们。
“你们为什么开那么快？”警官喊道。
“我们的刹车不好，因此我们想在发生事故前赶紧到达目的地。”
Send
the
Bill
to
My
Father
Doctor：
〃I
can
do
nothing
for
your
complaint.
It
is
hereditary.〃
Patient：
〃then
send
the
bill
to
my
father，please.〃
把账单给我父亲
医生：“对你的抱怨我无能为力。那是遗传病。”
病人：“那请你把账单给我父亲吧。”
One
girl
went
to
the
preacher
and
confessed
her
sin.
Girl:
Father,
I
have
sinned.
Preacher:
What
did
you
do,
little
girl?
Girl:
Yesterday,
I
called
a
man
a
son
of
a
Bitch.
Preacher:
Why?
What
did
he
do
to
you?
Girl:
He
touched
my
breast.
Preacher:
You
mean
like
this?
(The
guy
did
it.)
Girl:
(A
little
shy
from
the
touch)
Yes.
Preacher:
That's
no
reason
to
call
him
that.
Girl:
But
he
also
took
off
my
cloth.
Preacher:
You
mean
like
this?
(He
did
it
again.)
Girl:
Yes,
that's
what
he
did.
Preacher:
That's
still
no
reason
to
call
him
that.
Girl:
And
he
put
his
you-know-what
into
my
you-know-what...
Preacher:
(evil
laugh...)
You
mean
like
this?
(And
you-know-what)
Girl:
(After
a
few
minutes...)
Ugh...
Yeah,
that's
what
he
did...
Preacher:
My
dear
girl,
that's
still
no
reason
to
call
him
a...
Girl:
But
he
had
AIDS!!
Preacher:
THAT
SON
OF
A
BITCH
小建议：
英语笑话通常都是很短的，要是长了就达不到效果了。越是经典的就越短。老外的幽默和我们的不一样的。十句以上都可以算作阅读段了，怎么表演啊，听众本来听英语就费劲，句子又多又长，肯定没兴趣了，还是找些短的来表演吧，BODY
LANGUAGE
到位，EXPRESSION
到位就OK了。
但是有关动物的确实找不到了，对不起。