笑话：
Once upon a time ,a stupid guy went to the doctor's.
"What's the matter with you",asked the doctor.
"I have been broken all!",said the fool .
"Broken all,what's it mean?",the doctor was surprised.
Then,the fool pointed to his head and said:"Ouch!There is something wrong with my head."after that,he pointed to his back and said :"ouch,my back hurt."then,he touch his nose and said:"ouch,my nose hurt"……
The doctor thought a while and said :"you have a bad finger"
从前，有个傻瓜去看医生。那医生问他有什么病。那傻瓜说他全身伤了。那医生很疑惑。接着，那傻瓜用手指着头说：“很痛，我的头伤了。”接着，有指着背，鼻子，说它们都伤了。
那医生想了一会儿，说：“你的手指伤了。”
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
年轻的妈妈说：“医生，我孩子吞下一颗子弹，我该怎么办？”
医生说：“不要让他指着任何人。”
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
fool_fox
标题：I'm the boss
内容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
note:staff meeting:员工会议
Wife's picture
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈
martini 马提尼酒
peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看
英文脑筋急转弯： 1. Q: What fruit is never found singly?
A: A pear.
pear 梨，音似pair一对
2. Q: Why is the bride unhappy on her wedding day?
A: Because she didn’t marry the best man.
bride新娘bridegroom新郎best man男傧相；最好的男人bridesmaid女傧相
3. Q: What time must it be when the escaped hungry wolf ate the paymaster?
A: 8 p.m.
8 p.m.音似ate p.m., 而p.m. 是paymaster的缩写。paymaster（发放薪饷的）出纳员
4. Q: What will you break once you say it?
A: Silence.
break the silence打破沉默
5. Q: What kind of clothes lasts the longest?
A: Underwear, because it’s never worn out.
worn out穿坏，磨损；穿在外面
6. Q: Why are farmers cruel?
A: They pull corns by the ears.
ear耳朵；一穗（玉米）
pull corns by the ears一穗一穗地掰玉米；揪着玉米耳朵掰玉米
7. Q: Why are babies like hinges?
A: Because they are things to adore.
adore喜爱，音似a door
things to a door门上的东西
8. Q: If a driver drives too fast he’ll get a ticket. What will happen to a poet if
he writes too fast?
A: His poetic licence will be taken away.
poetic licence 诗的破格（如不遵从语法规则等）
9. Q: Why is an empty purse always the same?
A: There is no change in it.
change 零钱；变化
10. Q: Why do little birds in the nest agree with each other?
A: Because they would fall out if they didn’t.
fall out 摔出去；争吵
11. Q: Why is an argument like a pen?
A: No good without a point.
point 尖，顶端；论点，要点
12. Q: When will the wind improve its image?
A: When it turns over a new leaf.
turn over a new leaf的真正涵义是：改过自新
13. Q: Why is learning English like a light gentle wind to a smart student?
A: It’s a breeze to them.
breeze 微风，和风；轻而易举的事
14. Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
What has four wheels and flies?另一种理解是：什么东西既有四个轮子又有许多苍蝇？
15. Q: What’s even harder to catch if you run faster?
A: Your breath.
catch one’s breath 恢复正常呼吸（尤指剧烈运动后）
16. Q: What time is it when a man is chased by ten dogs?
A: It’s ten after one.
17. Q: How can you tell a clock is shy?
A: It has its hands over its face.
18. Q: Why does time fly?
A: To get away from all those who are trying to kill it.
kill time 消磨时间
19. Q: Why does an invisible man tend to go crazy?
A: Out of sight, out of mind.
out of sight, out of mind 眼不见为净
20. Q: Where can a dog get another tail?
A: At a retail store.
前缀re-表示“再一次”，“又……”。
21. Q: Why do carpenters think there’s no such thing as gold in this world?
A: They never saw it.
saw 锯，也是see的过去式，seeing is believing眼见为实
22. Q: Why do you think doctors are mean?
A: Everything they treat me they make me pay for it.
treat 请客；治疗
mean 小气，吝啬
23. Q: What do you think of the Grand Canyon?
A: Just gorges.
gorges 是gorge(峡谷）的复数形式，音似gorgeous，宜人的，好的，美丽的
Just gorgeous!太棒了！太美了！
24. Q: How do you punctuate the following sentence?
A: Make a dash after it.
make a dash after it另一种理解是：冲上去拿呀
25. Q: How do you know a photographer is always progressive?
A: They are always developing.
develop 发展；冲（胶卷）